I knew it was a brilliant idea to begin with

Have you had a mini crash out on the internet this week? Well, I have. Not only do I have one, but it was scheduled for me to record The Risky Business Diaries, so I was withholding my tears on camera, I edited it, and posted it online for everyone to see. All because it does feel like I am doing nothing at all. Despite my endless ToDo list, I see no progress. Of course, by progress, I mean financial stability, which my brain needs in order for me to feel "safe". Aren't I supposed to be like a true Pisces? All dreamy and unserious?

Exactly how it feels lately

And in my head, even a year ago, such thoughts were something very private and barely shared, because there is one very unrecognised yet through the masses’ trauma:

Your problems are not problems; someone out there is having it much worse

And don't get me wrong, I KNOW THAT. But like, why am I taught to carry not only my shit but the, mind you, "potential" problems of others FIRST.

It seems like the only people who were speaking to us beyond just basic survival instructions are flight attendants. Put the mask first on your face and then! Only after you shall help others. Little did we know how far this simple instruction actually goes.

What I am trying to say os that empathy for me is such a burden sometimes. No wonder I want more of that Botox. Kill the empathy, I've had enough, you know.

Somehow, looking back, you were taught to be an empath towards others, but were never taught to be an empath towards ourself. They just said "it's life,” and from an early age, I could understand where everyone was coming from, but no one really seemed to understand where I was coming from.

You see, being Eastern European is a blessing and a curse. By blessing I mean the Slavic stare that is people literally trying to replicate (you are doing it all wrong btw). We are tough and there seems to be no amount os stress that can stress us out, but every now and then, I remember that my silly problems are valid too. No matter how big or small.

So this time I remember exactly that. So I posted all about it. Not to get sympathy precisely, I'm okay with my private pity parties every now and then, but just to do it. Let it all out (although I did withhold a bit, ngl, but you know, baby freaking steps). The whole idea of me showing up like this is to show others, and remind myself too, that there is no perfect picture, no perfect life, business, relationships, etc. Yes, I styled for London Fashion Week, and yes, my work ended up in a few printed magazine issues, but I still struggle financially, and only at 34, I take my budgeting seriously. And that's the truth, and that's okay. I'll get there. It's not like I am complaining, more of having my solo therapy session out loud on the internet page.

I am also kinda sad that Hot Mama Bakery isn't picking up as I thought it would. Honestly, pains my heart. This is going to be such an amazing and warm community where perfection won't exist, just growth. Growth of personal style, growth of community, a supportive one, where we can just all relax and yap, growth for mental health, where you discover who you truly are and start showing it to the world through personal style, clothes, and a smile that comes within once you get that confidence on another level (yes, there are levels). The goal is just to be the best version of yourself and not do it all alone. I have been doing it all alone my whole life, it seems, so I know how devastating it sometimes feels. Doesn't mean you don't love yourself enough or anything like that; it's just more fun to do it surrounded by the people who get it. So, as I am sitting and writing this weekly yap session for this week's newsletter, I make a mental note of how difficult it was at the beginning for me, so that once I achieve my Hot Mama Bakery goal, I can reflect on this one and just think to myself

I knew it was a brilliant idea to begin with

Okay, that’s all.

Love you, bye xo

Your neurospicy fashion stylist,

Aya x